Saturday, July 24, 2010

To Snag A Vampire

*First of, Peace to all Twilight and vampire lovers, this is all just for fun. Cheers!*


   The movie "Twilight " has started a whole new vampire phenomenon. People talk about it. Women like it. The boyfriends hate it. Not to mention the goo-goo eyed schoolgirls drooling over Edward carrying "MARRY ME!!!" placards, wearing Team Edward shirts while shrieking "OMG! He's sooo cute! the hottest thing ever!". 

   The main character doesn't even possess the traits of a traditional vampire coz he can walk in the sun...sparkles! and prefers animals over humans. Wow! He certainly defies vampire logic. Glowing and softhearted. Totally unheard of! Yet millions of lovesick pre-pubescent teens and women obsess over him. And the world was never the same again...

   I'm not into this whole vampire frenzy coz I simply don't care. But since I find it quite an interesting topic I decided to write something about these fascinating creatures...
twilight,fans apocalypse
   The word vampire denotes dark underworld entities known to kill humans by sucking their blood. But why oh why are they often depicted as these hot gorgeous creatures roaming the earth at night? 

   Their mesmerizing eyes, chiseled faces and irresistable charms can hypnotize you til' you drop your panties. Gosh! if all those vampires looks like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt or Robert Pattinson, then the earth will be filled with the stench of rotting female corpses piled on top of the other. 
   These women would gladly offer their necks and beg those sexy fangs to suck em' dry. Why not? You'd rather succumb to a lovely beast, than be ravaged by homely earthling gorillas. At least when you die, you'll die in ecstacy. A bloody and kinky fetish! A tempting fantasy!

                            Armand,Anne Rice,book,movie,vampire,hot guy,bite,blood,creepy,girl,blond,boy,feeding,sexy,dark,Interview With A Vampire,Marius,Armaneo,Russian,Paris

So how's it like to have them for lovers?

Hmm...Let us count the ways:
*Drumroll please*
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1. They don't grow old

                   twilight spoof 

Pros: They look eternally young. You'll always wake up a giggly girl to his preserved youth. Forever a hunk. Saves cash on his Botox needs and other reconstructive surgeries.

Cons: You will look like his grandmother on the day you celebrate your golden wedding anniversary. You'll feel old, ugly and wrinkly. You'll get freaking jealous of the younger crowd. Then you'll get depressed and kill yourself.

2. They don't get fat

Pros: Have you ever seen a fat vampire? I don't think so! Blood, their elixir of life is non-fattening. So no risk of high cholesterol or stroke. Restaurants and fastfoods will be a thing of the past. No more junks. No more pigouts. Plenty of savings! You will lose weight with their lifestyle. They're fit and lean so no jingly-dangly beer bellies, no fat ass and you'll never hear that libido killer sound of fats plopping on your skin during sex. 

Cons: Unless you dont gag, you will have to get accustomed to the sight of entrails( heart/ liver) and blood juice inside the fridge. You also have to be vigilant in recruiting blood donors to sustain them. Dont forget, without blood no erection, and without erection no sex life! Got it? And it can be a heartbreaking task as you sacrifice your friends, families or beloved pets one by one for the sake of true love.  

3. They are afraid of sunlight

          dracula coffin

Pros: With the exception of Edward who only shines during daylight, majority of vampires hates the sun. Which is good coz they will never get sunburns or skin cancer. Their casket beds protects their pale alabaster skins from the sun's harmful UV rays. You'll also have plenty of time to spare while waiting for them to wake up. You can now finish your long overdue cross-stitch and scrapbook. And dont forget since they sleep all day, you can party with them all night!
*Bonus points if you're the cheating type, you can schedule your trysts during daytime* 

Cons: Forget about having those day trips, sunbathings or morning dates. They'll either die or sparkle in broad daylight. And people will be frightened to see freaks in public places. An angry mob of townspeople might gather, put them on a stake and burn them alive. So in order to fully protect them, you'll have to learn to go solo-flight.         

4. They have supernatural powers

          twilight spoof

Pros: Sounds cool eh? Their acrobatic stunts will stun and thrill you to no end. They can effortlessly piggyback you to the top of the tree even if you weigh 300 pounds. They appear/disappear in a blink of an eye. They can shape-shift into wolves or bats. You can earn money from them by letting them join the circus. Or even better, ask them to rob banks. No need to work. You can be as lazy as you like for the rest of your life.     

Cons: Say goodbye to privacy. They can follow you anywhere you go. No more secrets, no more excuses. You're stuck with them forever. You cannot breakup, divorce nor's hard to kill them coz they'll KNOW, or else they'll appear and you will DISAPPEAR forever! 

5. They are mysterious 

             twilight is trash,twilight parody

Pros: They watch you sleep everyday. Will love you even if you snore and drool with your mouth wide open. Will even  die for you. And a virgin at that! Which means no STD's or genital diseases. They'll blow your mind with their cryptic words and groovy moves. Just the thought of them will give you multiple orgasms even without touching yourself!     

Cons: They are actually hundred year old creepy pedophiles disguised as teens who likes to stalk girls in their rooms. They are manipulative, controlling, suicidal and obsessive. Signs of a psychopath. And you're not even sure if they're lusting over your flesh coz they might just be after your innards, aorta and blood. Remember, they are still cannibals afterall! No matter how they claim they don't drink human blood, you can never be too sure...  

6. They live forever


Pros: They are immortal. They can marry your daughter. And your daughter's daughter. They can support your kids even when you're dead. Heck! they can even become vampires themselves. Then you won't have to worry about their insurance, hospital bills or funeral arrangements. You just need one, your own! Saves a lot of money. You can now buy that Hermes bag you've long been dreaming of. And your legacy will last forever...

Cons: Can be incestuous. Not for the conservative and jealous types. Be prepared to have ZERO pride and swallow all the disgusting things that may occur, ala Jerry Springer. When you fight, you can't threaten them "I'll kill you!" coz they won't take you seriously. They'll just laugh Bwaha-ha-ha-ha!   

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   It would seem bloody cool to have perfect boyfriends like that. Handsome, lovey-dovey, overly protective and have magical powers. All your girlfriends will be green with envy. Your popularity will soar! Your rivals will bow and kiss your feet. Your enemies will be scared...and will kiss your feet too.    
                          rawr fear my glitter   
   But sadly, there's no such thing as Edward who's so perfect he sparkles and shits "daisies". Only real-life dudes who farts and poops like the rest of us. Who smokes, stinks and cheats. Who whines, curses, grows old, gets wrinkles, goes bald, gets fat, uses false teeth, have arthritis and die of senility. The closest versions you can ever have of these amazing vampires can be found in mental institutions and jails TIED to their very own beds.  
                            (man he\'s ugly)
   These fictional characters only leads naive young girls to disappointment when they meet the real thing. They set ridiculously high-standards no sane man or normal guy can ever achieve. These poor women will save their precious virginity waiting for a nonexistent "Edward" until the ripe old age of 90 when even monkeys won't dare screw them anymore. 
Twilight Fans
   Its alright to fantasize about them. After all they are just fantasies. Period. But to wish for men to act like Edward makes me gag. They are just figments of imagination. Inks in a book. Entertainment. Plain fiction. Basically vampires are just a bunch of jumbled words created by bored but talented writers to milk some moolah from also bored but hopeless romantic readers.
                    rob schneider
   It makes me wonder, what if they cast Rob Schneider instead of Rob Pattinson, will the girls still shriek with delight? Will the lines..."And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." or "You're intoxicated by my very presence." and "Do I dazzle you" still sound as romantic and sweet? Will young girls still swoon at the thought of Schneider watching them sleep...they'll just call the cops! Will women still drop their panties?...they'll just shout "RAPE!"  

   Then no one will bother and "Twilight" will become obsolete like one of those comedy B-movies alongside the likes of "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" and "Earth vs the Spider". And the world will go back to its pre-pandemonium state. The guys will regain their egos. The girls will reclaim their sanity. Everything would be normal. No more "Why can't you be like" lines. No more imaginary boyfriends. No more illusions. No more lies...  

But the vampires lives on...Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

          Killer Weekend    


Angie said...

hahahahaha this was sooo funny :D ! i love humour posts about twilight. it really is overrated

Mara said...

I always LOVE your posts. Keep it up, girl! *megahugs*

Elecat said...

:D Another great read! :D

Elecat said...

:D Another great read! :D

Em said...

shiyatzz! Imma go to work now but I will be back with more sense comment lol! the first part of it made me laugh tho =)) I SHALL RETURN!! haha

Rinny said...

lol I love your writing style! Although I love the Twilight series, I wholeheartedly agree with you that it is so overhyped right now. Honestly I don't even find Rob Pattinson the least bit good looking...I'm Team Jacob all the way haha

erin said...

this is hilarious! i find the whole twilight thing over the top too!

Em said...

gaah!! told you I'm gonna be back!! GRRR!!!!

With Edward sparkling under the sun, does that make his dick sparkle too?! lol! IDK, I'm just wondering =))

These fictional characters only leads naive young girls to disappointment when they meet the real thing.

that is so true! they believe Edward/Jacob really exists! ahm hello reality check! they don't! haha real men will grow old with us.


Hugs to all your wonderful comments. Makes me happy to know I somewhat made you all smile. And Em, hahaha the sparkling dick is a classic image now stuck in my head:-)

*~kAy~* said...

man you should've seen the lines at the movies when the lastest movie was just out! :p

pumkyn said...

Your sarcasm delights me.

Don't forget, when they avoid daylight people become vitamin D deficient. :P

Nathalie said...

Your post really made me smile. =]

I used to like Vampires before Twilight ever came about. You know, those dark, tragic creatures of Anne Rice novels (think Lestat). And I guess I like them better that way: beautiful but flawed creatures of the night rather than sparkling, sainthood-level-goodness-of-the-heart teen heartthrobs. Haha. Lestat still beats Edward hands down in my book.