Sunday, May 23, 2010
A Little Bulimia Drama
I just chomped a huge burger complete with two upsized fries and regular coke. And just this morning I ate 4 glazed krispy kremes. Man I feel sloppy! I feel as if i've gained a thousand pounds. Every yummy morsel must have disintegrated and multiplied over a million times in my tummy by now. To be distributed in my arms, hips and waist. Which will result to another layer of unwanted fats. Why can't they all just settle and proliferate in my bust area???
Well it's a lazy Sunday afternoon and watching marathon dvd's won't be complete without munching on something. But why oh why did I allow myself to be tempted by no-no foods when it comes to satisfying my crazy urge? Well all because it's freaking ! It's so damn hard to resist those foods when it's right in front of your face.
I seriously wanted to vomit. I've had issues before with Bulimia. I binge then purge after. It started during my adolescent years when I realized I had pacman's appetite. My metabolism then was working overtime but now it's as slow as a turtle. I would eat to my hearts desire any food that I like then stick my finger down my throat to puke all that i've eaten. I even developed a technique to easily do it. I think about all the yucky things in the world and my purging becomes a breeze. It's a really gross and disgusting habit. You'll reek and stink badly. Mouthwash and a little spritz of cologne is always essential. I used to do it at home and even at the restaurant. Immediately after dinner I excuse myself to go to the loo. And that's when it happens. Nobody knew until I was discovered.
One time my aunt from US stayed in my bedroom and I just quickly finished doing the 'deed'. In my panicked state I forgot to flush the toilet bowl. When she used my bathroom I heard a loud shriek and she was like 'ewww what the hell was that!'. She immediately told my mom and my dirty secret was finally exposed! As expected, I got a major lashing from my folks and an endless litany of the dangers of Bulimia. Like a guilty dog who just stole a bone, I meekly nodded and feigned obedience. I promised not to do it anymore. Promises that went out of my nose coz I still continued doing it.
I wanted to be extremely skinny and slim wasn't good enough for me. In fact before I developed bulimia I was anorexic. I just luckily recovered from it coz I saw how ugly I looked. It was as if im staring at a dull and lifeless skeleton in front of the mirror with all my ribs jutting out. It was like seeing an image of a holocaust survivor...So when Bulimia entered the picture I managed to revive some healthy glow back to my life by eating again. But as my appetite grew so did my pants and I hated it.
I admit that I also fell victim to the distorted concept that media feeds to the society. Growing up, I had Kate Moss as an icon. Her waif figure is scattered in almost every magazines and billboards. I admired her. Wanted to be like her. And it doesn't help that the slogan 'Thin is in' has influenced my unsteady frame of mind. I thought that's what's ideal. I wanted to stay skinny without the dangers of anorexia so I thought bulimia was the answer.
But I was only fooling myself. I started to develop some sort of chest pain. I also experienced severe stomach cramps and ulcer. I started doing some research on my own and was horrified at the extent of damage it can do to the body.
-tooth enamel erosion, dental cavities ( who wants ugly teeth?)
-swelling and soreness in salivary glands
-ruptures of the stomach, esophagus
-abnormal buildup of fluids in the intestines (yikes!)
-irregular heartbeat that in severe cases could lead to heart attack (major yikes!)
The worst part is i cannot even share this to my mom coz I already promised to stop. I know if I continue doing it I could die. And what, all for the price of that stupid vanity!! I got so scared that I decided to put an end to all this madness.
Im glad I did and eventually I bounced back to normalcy with a healthy dose of perception. It's not an easy thing to do but gradually I recovered. Sometimes it's hard to fight those inner demons especially when your mind is so strong. Like this afternoon, I heard those voices again telling me to purge all those fat-laden donuts, burger, coke and fries. I was almost tempted but I fight it each time by remembering what I read and the urge to do so instantly vanishes.
Besides it's not everyday that I pig out and today is a Sunday! so I might as well give myself a delicious treat... Which is exactly what I just did. Life is too short to deprive myself of some flavorful joys. A little treat won't hurt every now and then. And I won't ever ever let that nasty Bulimia ruin my life again. End of story :-)
Do you also have a little bulimia story to share?
Thanks for visiting :-)